Freeze.

And just like that it happened. He grew up.

My heart is burning right now. Heart-burning! Literally burning from my bedtime snack! It goes a little something like this: a bowl of sliced cukes, tomatoes, and onions floating in a mixture of vinegar and water. Smother that in salt and pepper and you have an Ellis favorite! Even worse, far more achy is a throbbing from a different kind of pain, pure raw sadness.

Just now Coren ran into my room shouting for me. "M" I heard. He appeared like lightning. Not far behind was his big sister. So big she almost seems teenager like. Who is she these days? And where is my little girl? It seemed like slow motion. Coren jumped up on the bed next to me and smiled. Something was missing. I couldn't speak. Where his cute little tooth should have been was his red bloody tongue. This huge huge smile was on his face and he kept moving his tongue in out of of this tiny little hole where his tooth once stood. I just stared at him. Silent and emotionless I looked at him. Maybe even through him. I couldn't move, speak, blink, or even breathe for that matter.

"What?" he said so confused. He seemed sad that I wasn't jumping for joy!

"I pulled it out!" Makenna beamed. "Now I pulled out Carson and Coren's first tooth!"

I remained frozen. Desperately seeking the rewind button.

It seems like Coren was just born. He was such a cute little guy. I just couldn't get enough of him. I held him while he slept, while I cooked and cleaned, and I just thought that maybe, just maybe, he could stay tiny forever. He was my last, I knew it before he was born and it made me happy, I knew it even more tonight and it tore me to pieces!

Reality set in and I knew I had to act excited. Moms do that for their kids. All I could say was, "Was it loose?" Duh... was it loose? Of Course it was loose weird-o! And then I smiled and congratulated the two troublemakers on their late night success. I grabbed the camera as I do for all life changing moments such as these and began snapping some photos. Pictures that would help him remember his big day and pictures that would help me remember when he was five. Because I am seeing now more than ever than he will be twenty-five before I know it. Feeling sicker now!

I was always so excited for my kids to grow up. The first roll, the first babble, crawling, walking, words, and then potty training. It seemed like it would never happen, and now I look back and wonder if it ever did happen. It is all such a blur.

One thing that brings me peace in the midst of this depression is the fact that... well the fact that... actually nothing is helping. I am feeling kind of sick. I have all of these these thoughts of the great times we have had as they have grown up but I can't help but wonder how many memories have been lost in my forgetful brain. Far too many I am sure. At times I feel that I am a woman on the verge of Alzheimer's, knowing I am forgetting something, but not really caring because somethings are better forgotten. Especially the nasty things and the household chores. Tonight I have such an urge to remember everything!

"Carson are you proud of me?" Coren just asked in the other room.

Makenna, Carson, and Coren, I am so proud of each of you. What amazing little growing people I have brought to this earth. Each of you are so amazing and special in your own way, and without each one of you I would not be complete.

Now just one request. FREEZE!