Cancer Sucks!

YES, I am sitting here in the middle of the night blogging.  I am in a little pain.  I chose to run 18 miles tonight, and then came home and drank 8 glasses of water, and ate cantaloupe and popcorn.  My tummy is mad, and making some loud and frightening noises.  It hurts, but not so bad that I cannot sit here and type.  Not so bad that I will experiencing anything more painful than the run itself.  Why I choose to do these things to myself is beyond me.  But it is a choice.  In a sick way I like it.

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Suffering.  Do we really even know what suffering is?  Tonight to me, suffering is pain that we do not self inflict.  The last few weeks my Mom has been getting sick.  She has been having terrible pains in her stomach that keep her up at night.  The pain is so intense that she cannot sleep, no matter how much medication she takes.  It hurts so bad for hours at a time that she feels like she needs to go to the Emergency Room.  Is she suffering?  More than any of us know, or could even imagine.  Most of us have never experienced such a sensation, such horrible pain, and most of us never will.

We all hear about pain, about suffering, about someone being sick.  It always sounds so miserable, and for a second we stop and feel bad for that person, and then maybe think that we are so glad that we are not the one in that situation.  Then, our life goes on.  We get annoyed by the kids, the husband is being a baby about his upcoming Vasectomy, or it is time to make dinner and we really don't want to.  The sympathy is gone, and we are back to life as usual. Each of us suffering in our own little ways.  Little ways!  But what about those suffering in big ways?Until someone close to us is sick and suffering it is really easy to forget what suffering really is.

I feel strong.  If I could I would take the pain from my Mom in a heartbeat.  Her body is run down, and so is her mind.  A day for her where her biggest problems are bratty kids, fighting siblings,  and what to make for dinner would be a dream come true.  If even for a short time, I would love to give her body a break so that it can start to heal.  How do we heal when we are suffering?  Cancer sucks, and hopefully none of us will ever have to experience the intense and unbearable pain that she does on a daily basis.  

My Pain?  Today I had to cancel a lunch date with My Mom because she was too sick to answer the phone when I called, let alone go to lunch.  Instead I built with Lego's for two hours, and I didn't have enough blue ones to make the house all the same color.  It bothered me.  I complained to Steve that we have a serious Lego shortage and that he needs to get more.  Makenna complained that I never give her lunchables anymore and that the pricey folder I got her wasn't cute enough and didn't have a pocket.  Carson was hungry because I told him to throw away his spoon after he ate his Ravioli's , and then he wasn't able to eat the rest of his lunch because he didn't have a spoon. He was just doing what I told him to do.  I had a child pee the bed because he dreamt what he was sitting on the toilet.  He was really embarrassed.  I ran for a long time, and my legs hurt at the end.  Now I am sick and cannot sleep.  My house is not as clean as I wish it was.  I am not a rich woman.  My camera takes crappy pictures.  Any minute now I am going to throw up.  Despite the massive amount of miles I put in, I still have some fat on my body.  Wondering if I need to cut out eating all together.  My hair is so ratted in back that I may have to cut it, and I have the most ugly and painful zit on my chin.

Today I made a little boy so happy by playing with him, and he has carried our creation around all day.  I was able to teach my daughter a valuable lesson about gratitude, and the blessing of having food to eat.  I taught my son the best way to handle school lunch, and he just now went pee in the toilet, the real one and not the dream one, and then kissed me goodnight.  He said he loves me.  At some point my house will get clean, and in a bad economy my husband has a job that he loves and is amazing at.  Fat is probably a necessary part of survival, and I can cut my hair anytime.  Zits always seem to go away.  And... I talked to my Mom tonight and we are planning lunch for tomorrow.  

As bad as things may seem, for most of us they are pretty good.  Life is about taking the lemons and making Lemonade.  That is what my Mom always says.  Someone who has some pretty nasty lemons in her life.  Next time I feel like complaining, I am going to try to look around at all of the good things I have.  I have no idea what suffering is.  Do you?

...disclaimer...  No, I did not write this post because of you.  I wrote it for you.  And for me.